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83rd Annual Academy Awards (or, 2011 Oscars)

83rd Annual Academy Awards (or, 2011 Oscars)

And now it’s time for me, the most amateur of critics (who can discuss Mandy Moore films…and yes, actually come up with merits), to talk about the Oscars. Know that I’m not talking about any of the movies, just the actual broadcast of the Oscar ceremony.

My running Oscar night commentary; please forgive the fluid verb tense, because it’s really bugging me, but not enough to fix it:

Franco pre-ceremony interview: What the deuce? Is he stoned? I bet handlers descended upon him in a swarm as soon as the interview finished.

Opening monologue: Move. it. along.

If that’s his real grandmother, she is adorbs.

Look how gray Tom Hanks is!

Kirk Douglas is amazing. And a bazillion years old.

These hosts are really awful. Which is weird, because I like both of them in movies and interviews so much. It's the writers. And however they've decided to "play" themselves.

Point of inquiry: Who would you pick to host the 2012 Oscars? At the moment, and this could change soon, I’m gunning for Jimmy Fallon. The right mix of star-struck-ness, humor and respect. (FYI, in 2013, I’m hoping for Billy Crystal…do the 85th anniversary up right…)

I bet they do more script writing before next year’s show. Also, I think I’m too old to know what “I’m Bansky” means. (I eventually remembered…but think of him more as “that fun masked-graffiti guy.”

On the red carpet, I thought Josh Brolin was Aaron Sorkin, and didn’t know why Sorkin would dye his hair black. When did Brolin get so old?

Could Javier Bardem read every nominee in every category for the rest of time? Pretty please?

My Mama’s favorite line: “My father always said I’d be a late bloomer”

So now this singing is happening. Why? Why the singing. OH. WHY THE DRESS WEARING, Franco?

Seriously. What was the point of that? Obviously Hugh Jackman didn’t know.

So…won’t be seeing Dogtooth. (My exact quote “Did he just cut that dog in half with scissors?!?!?)

Christian Bale’s weight fluctuation* can’t be good for his heart.

I love that Reese Witherspoon laughed at the joke in The King’s Speech clip. How non-withholding and honest.

Christian Bale’s seat-filler is dreamy.

Oscar games: What are Jack Nicholson’s 3 wins? (Hint: 2 for Best Actor, 1 for Best Supporting Actor) Bonus: What are his 12 nominations? I picked the wins, but could only name a few more of his nominations. Best Actor: One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, As Good as it Gets; Best Supporting Actor: Terms of Endearment; Nominations? Visit this link.

Seriously thought that ABC guy was The Beav at first. Kinda sad it isn’t.

Franco is has been noticeably absent for a while. His absence is noticeable, Cotton.

I picked Reznor, but would’ve loved another Rahman win.

Point of inquiry: Best dress pick of the evening? My pick: Florence Welch’s performance dress. That copper dress worked SO WELL with her hair. Her red carpet dress was a little too Coal Miner’s Daughter for me, though. Amy Adams also looked amazing, I thought.

Okay, Javier can read half of the Oscar nominations for eternity. Matthew McConaughey can read the other half.

Sound mixing: My trick to picking winners is to pick the one with the most explosions or shooting. Works pretty much every time.

Every time I see Marisa Tomei, I want to watch Untamed Heart.

My Mama and I have decided that Marisa Tomei could be Scarlett Johansson’s sister. It’s like she’s getting younger instead of older!

Dear Anne Hathaway: That’s how you incorporate a song into your script. Love, Kevin Spacey

What’s wrong with the handhelds?!?

Niiiice. The Stella commercial. I interrupted my Mama while she was reading out Oscar winners and nominees from her birth year with “I break for Brody.”

I LOVE Amy Adams’ dress!

MTV Awards break! Point of inquiry: Best car chase scene? My vote: The French Connection.

Documentary: My trick of always picking the one with a focus on island peoples did NOT deliver this year.

God of Love. How old is that guy??? “Finally, [I’d like to thank] my mother, who did craft services for the film.” Loved that!

Love the auto-tune medley. LOVE that Oprah had to follow an auto-tune medley.

Did I vote for Exit Through the Gift Shop, then forget who Banksy was? Yep.

Yea Billy Crystal! Please tell me he’s replacing them mid-show… No wonder he got an standing “O” – everyone is glad to have a break from the awkwardness!

When did Bob Hope move to Texas?

Why the matching suits for the male-paired presenters? I know it’s to match the backdrop, but I don’t see the point.

I’m shocked at the number of Alice in Wonderland wins.

I really, really want True Grit to win an award! Of all the nominees I saw, I enjoyed it the most.

Note to self: Buy 127 Hours soundtrack.

Someone tell Gwyneth that the role is over; she doesn’t have to sing with a fake accent. Who does she think she is, Jennifer Nettles?

RANDY!!! I love him. Knowing that he moved from Louisiana to LA totally explains that Cajun surfer drawl. Love it!

Side note: You know what quote I used last week? “If I don’t collect no tolls, I don’t get no rolls.” Name that move. Highlight for answer: Robin Hood: Men in Tights

Annette Bening is beautiful in that dress.

I LOVE Eli Wallach. I LOVE ELI WALLACH!

When Ellen Burstyn wants to look like a crazy old lady, she. can. do it.

Michelle Williams looks like a real movie star.

Gwyneth should take likability lessons from Natalie Portman. They’re both so talented, but one of them comes off smug and flat, and one comes off as sincere.

Anne Hathaway, please just. I don’t know. Also, why are you wearing vinyl at the Oscars?

You know Jesse Eisenberg is so ready for the Facebook jokes to stop.

A Best Actor upset would be nice. I love Colin (and picked him to win), but we need to shake this up and make it exciting. So far the excitement factor has relied solely on Kirk Douglas.

“I have a feeling my career just peaked.”

Can Anne please quit changing clothes...WTF?

Wait, what? The toys really DO get incinerated? I thought that person on Twitter was joking…

Come on, upset!!! …..Nope…. (Note: I did pick The King’s Speech to win, but…eh…)

I picked 13 of 24, with my biggest shocker loss being Film Editing – I thought it would go to Black Swan.

Please don’t let Anne & James sing with this choir…

Franco. I think still stoned.

I adore that this choir has their vocal parts printed on their shirts!

So cute with the winners! They’re all crying! Cute, cute, cute…

Final thoughts: If you look at the segments individually, they really weren’t so bad…except for the post-movie-drop opening monologue, and parts of the Timberlake/Kunis matchup. Collectively: It was crap. The writers shouldn’t be asked back for next year. Really. It was really, really bad. There was no cohesiveness to the show at all…and I could see glimpses of their trying, it just really didn’t work… That being said, I still love RDJ, am glad I watched, think that Brangelina are probably pretty satisfied with their choice of not going, and think that the people who should have won, won.

On my “to watch” list: Biutiful, 127 Hours, The King’s Speech, The Crush and Barney’s Version

I also want to say this: It’s easy for me to be opinionated about TV, because in the end, it’s just TV. Just. TV. These are my thoughts and if they’re different from yours, that’s ok. It’s just. TV.

So…what’re your thoughts? :)

* I find it interesting that my original misspelling of “fluctuation” is apparently egregious enough to warrant it’s own WikiAnswer . Also interesting? I didn’t misspell egregious.

You're right, it doesn't go away.

You're right, it doesn't go away.

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo & Bridesmaids

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo & Bridesmaids